Last year saw the release of Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard, a game that promised a lot and delivered pretty much nothing. At the time of its development the people in charge mentioned they’d be releasing a side scrolling 2D shooter game based in the Matt Hazard universe that might be available as an unlockable or an extra in the full game. Instead they’ve spruced it up for us and released it on Xbox Live. Unfortunately it captures all the charm and wit of  the original third person game. Yes it's that bad and is easily the worst game I’ve played in the last year.

The weapons are very Contra, or Metal Slug for you kids, flame throwers, missile launchers and shotguns

The running joke of the two games is that Matt Hazard is a  self aware action game star, with a fake history of blockbuster titles to his name, who has fallen on hard times. His previous glory action games have been replaced with appearances in kart and party titles. This leads to lots of parody comedy and scathing references to other game characters and common game tropes. Unfortunately his enemies are still out to destroy him and prey on his stupidity and lust for regaining glory to trap him. In the original game they trick him into appearing in a come back game and try to kill him. In Bloodbath and Beyond he has to stop his arch enemy from destroying the 16 bit version of himself so he doesn’t cease to exist.

If this looks like fun to you then good news! Almost the entire first level is like the above scene

Graphics wise the game is very similar to last years number one arcade title Shadow Complex with 3D graphics interacting on a 2D plane. Unfortunately Matt Hazard has none of the depth or style of Shadow Complex. It plays more like classic coin up games like Contra or (my favourite) Midnight Resistance with enemies shooting from above and below and the player returning fire while weaving and dodging enemy fire. You can also aim into the background to shoot far away enemies. There are a few different weapons and power ups to take advantage of but the whole game is basically running and shooting. Coop play lets two people tackle the levels but its local only play, not online.

Here's the Mario inspired level

This wouldn’t be so bad, lots of games have achieved cult classic status with this simple combination, But Matt Hazard lacks substance in almost every other department. It’s repetitive and boring in the extreme, backgrounds are used and reused repeatedly and the game looks and feels overall, like a student project. The game is almost unplayably difficult at any difficulty level above ‘Wussy’, which grants you unlimited continues. It’s almost as if it was deliberately designed to be a game not to be played and enjoyed by anyone. The controls is particular almost had me eating my controller, considering I'd happily played through the soul crushingly challenge of Serious Sam the previous day without losing my cool that's definitely saying something. The simple act of shooting upwards is painfully hard to do with any accuracy as the slightest nudge in any direction other than straight up causes Matt to dash forward. One section on the very first level requires you to shoot upwards at an angle several times to burst a series of water pipes to raise a floating box you are standing on. Unfortunately touching water is instant death and I managed to use all my continues while playing on normal at this relatively simple section, turned excruciatingly difficult due to crap controls.

The humour, by far Matt Hazard’s one possible marketable feature, is annoying at its best times. The constant backhand compliments and snide remarks about other games come across like petty whinging rather than the insightful fourth wall humour they’re supposed to, or at least I imagine they're supposed to. It's so bad at times it's hard to imagine effort wasn't required to make the jokes so crap. When you finish the game (very minor spoiler alert) you’re actually humoured for having played such a crappy game all the way through and the effort put in is rendered moot by Matt's final act. This is probably a throw back joke to the fact this was meant to be a small promotional game for another full title. In many ways it’s like the entire game is a practical joke played on you. Let me save you the trouble and just advise you to avoid the whole thing right now. I feel it's my duty to spare you the pain; no one stepped forward and said to me, don’t play this game, for your own sake. I can only fall to my knees and pray there will never be another Matt Hazard game.